The Grammar Guru

Five-frame cartoon. Frame 1: Two editors are sitting at a table in a café. There's a man reading at the next table. One editor has a laptop and says, "I’m starting a weekly column called “The Grammar Guru” in my community newspaper. Quick—hit me with some spurious but plausible grammar and usage rules!" Frame 2: Bespectacled editor says, "Um, let’s see… “Don’t use an article before words like ‘alcoholic’ and ‘albatross’ because ‘al’ means ‘the’ in the original Arabic.” Curly-haired editor says, "I like it! What else have you got?" Frame 3: Bespectacled editor says, "It is wrong to spell 'doughnut' D-O-N-U-T." Curly-haired editor says, "How's this: “The shortened spelling is a symptom of lazy writers’ systematic dismantling of the English language.” Bespectacled editor says, "Perfect." Frame 4: Bespectacled editor says, "“For gender neutrality, use ‘huperson’ rather than ‘human.’” Bespectacled editor says, "Ooh, that'll get us some letters!" Final frame: The man at the next table says, "You're both horrible people." Curly-haired editor says, "You just don't GET our ART, Todd."

Play along! Tweet some #SpuriousButPlausible grammar and usage rules the Grammar Guru could feature in a column. Here’s a blank if you’d like to put them in cartoon format, too:

Blank for spurious but plausible grammar and usage rules. Man at next table looks over as bespectacled editor proposes a ridiculous rule curly-haired editor can use in her grammar column.

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